This one. The second one scarred me. The second one is so hard to write about.
I’ll just jump right in, so I can get it over with. There was barely any blood and zero cramping. The amount of blood that is considered normal during pregnancy, doctors say. That reassured me enough to fall asleep. At about 1am, I woke up and had The. Worst. Cramping. So scarily intense. I went to the bathroom and immediately felt like I had to go #2/labor feeling. So I tried, but nothing. Just more excruciating pain. So much pain, I grabbed the trash can and started throwing up. I tried to stand up but couldn’t because of the pain and couldn’t scream because of the pain.
My husband was off shift that night. Which means when a firefighter gets to sleep in the comfort of his own home, it is nearly impossible to wake them. I crawled to our bed and started pounding on the footboard. Pounding as hard as I could, since I physically couldn’t speak. Finally, he woke up and realized what was happening. I went in and out of consciousness and don’t remember exact details but my husband filled me in on the car ride. He said he picked me up and put me in our car and drove at professional race car speed to the emergency room. Once at the ER, he placed me in a wheelchair that was right at the front door and I just kept screaming. They wheeled me in immediately and the nurse’s gave me pain medicine. It wasn’t working. I was begging for more, and still screaming. The doctor came in and told the nurse’s to give me pain meds (he didn’t know they already had). The nurse’s stated that they had and that due to my weight, they couldn’t give me any more. The doctor told them to give me more. Finally, I could function. I honestly wanted whatever was in me to just get out. I didn’t want to fight for it, hope was gone, it was replaced with pain meds. It had been the worst pain that I had ever experienced in my life. Even after (fast forward) being in labor with Logan, having a c-section, and healing from a c-section. Nothing like the second one.
They ran all the tests with Wanda. That’s what I call that long rude wand that just gets way too personal with women. I’ve never liked her and we will never be friends. The doctor called this one an ‘incomplete miscarriage’ and in time it would pass on it’s own. No explanation of why it was so incredibly painful. I was further along than the first loss and there could have been more growth, or it could have been multiples, he could’t tell me for sure.
They released me from the ER at 6am with no sleep. It was a school day. I was a kindergarten teacher and had a field trip to the San Diego Zoo that day. No way could I let a sub be responsible for my babies on a field trip. Again, #teacherguilt. So we went home, I changed, and Mark dropped me off at work. He kept pleading with me to call in sick. No more than several hours ago I was in the worst pain of my life, I was on zero sleep and worst of all, we lost our baby. Again… But, I am not the type to go home and just cry. That doesn’t help me. I need to distract myself and deal with it on my own time. So, I turned to the only babies I still had left in my life and took them on their field trip. How my crazy mind works, I guess… we were going on a field trip and walking around all day. Since it was an ‘incomplete miscarriage’ I just wanted it out, I wanted it over, I wanted to move on, start healing, and deal with that awful wait time to get my cycle back and keep trying for a baby. And I had a field trip that day that involved walking around all day. Crazy, but yes, I went on that field trip.
As we visit the San Diego Zoo regularly with our now 3 1/2 year old son, I always think back to that day when we first drive up. But as soon as he sees the massive lion sculpture from the parking lot, shrieks “We’re here!” in his adorable voice and his gorgeous blue eyes light up with excitement, I immediately focus on the true blessing I have right in front of me.