Here we go again…

The positive pregnancy test meant nothing to us except fear of the known (as we've suffered 2 previous losses).  I admit, I was not positive. A year before, we had our son. He arrived after 2 miscarriages, so there should have been hope. 

But I was terrified. Every trip to the bathroom, I held my breath.

Ever since our first miscarriage, nothing would make me excited until I was holding our child in our arms. Going through two miscarriages before this had left me traumatized, and numb.

This one there was no blood, no cramping. At 6.5 wks, we went for our first appt to our fertility dr due to my high risk factors - recurrent miscarriage, type 1 diabetes, 35+. But there was nothing, no embryo, no sac, and therefore no heartbeat. With Logan, we also went in at 6.5 wks. We saw nothing, went back a week later…and there he was!!! But this time, I just knew that wasn’t going to be the case. 

When we went to our 7.5 week appt, still nothing. The doctor called it a Blighted Ovum. Then an incredibly invasive appt with that ultrasound wand. I call her Wanda and I have never thought she was nice. At 8.5 wks, I had three options: 1) Wait for it to pass naturally. That was not an option, if you read about my second miscarriage you know why; 2) take the pill, yes that pill, Misoprostol; 3) D&C. I asked the nurse if I could be put under for the D&C but she said they don’t do that. I couldn’t be awake for that procedure. So I opted to take the pill. So much blood and pain for a full 12 hours, it had to be all gone. Another visit to the doctor’s a week later for “clearance” but we didn’t get any. Remnants still remained. The nurse told me my next steps: 1) Take the pill again (Why? It didn’t work the first time) or 2) D&C. I told this nurse how I would do it but I’d like to be put under and she said that is an option. Seriously?! I was livid. 2 weeks of this could have been avoided if that first nurse would have said the same thing.

D&C was scheduled for the following week. I just wanted it to be over and my little family to move on, heal, deal with our third loss, get through the waiting for MONTHS for my cycle to return, and keep trying for a sibling for Logan. 

My cycle finally got back to normal after 6 months. 6 months! More time gone. That’s another thing. We have to deal with the loss, the what if, the emotional distress, and physical excruciating pain, but then we also have to deal with the WAIT……

It has now been over a year since our third loss. We haven’t been able to get pregnant since, but I guess on the bright side, we also haven’t had another miscarriage. Of course we will keep trying, nothing is more important than family to us. And since we love our little family so incredibly much, giving Logan a sibling is our goal. He is the sweetest, coolest person we have ever met and will be the best big brother… Someday ♥️

Written by Mark Morrison

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