What’s Going on in There?!
How fitting?... The Smith’s How Soon is Now softly plays on the radio of the truck I’m sitting in as I begrudgingly scold myself over and over again for allowing the anxiety in my head to physically affect my stomach in the form of butterflies, knots, or whatever the medical community calls the twisting sensation that creates severe discomfort in one’s gut. I hopelessly attempt to make my brain accept that nothing I do or feel in the cab of this pick up can change the outcome of what happens in the building I’m nervously staring at... Suddenly a FaceTime alert interrupts my key tapping. I am immediately ecstatic as I think to myself, “She wouldn’t FaceTime if it is bad news!!!!” I see my wife’s beautiful, yet uneasy face resting on the doctor’s exam table. She says “Hi, we are just getting ready to start.” The joy and relief I was just feeling turns back into the gut twisting angst I was wrestling with only moments ago. You see, one year ago, this appointment ended in tragedy when the exam revealed that our little one did not have a heartbeat. This moment, was one that we have been eagerly anticipating and dreading for some time. The exam commences. The video on my iPhone is surprisingly clear and I can see our old friend and nemesis, the ultra sound screen. I hear the doctors voice as she asks “can he see?” She begins to move the wand around, and things on the monitor start to morph and shift. A giant viscous looking blob flashes across the screen as the doctor remarks, “wow, your bladder is really full.” Because of the stress I think to myself, “Thanks doc. How bout we play I Spy in my wife’s innards after we find this baby, please.” There is suddenly a familiar dark oval shape with a small little white blob in the bottom. As I squint and focus to make any sense out of what I’m seeing, I hear the doctor say, “and there’s the heartbeat.” I could fly to the moon right now. Kim was overcome with emotion, and understandably so. I am excited for the next leg of our journey and have a guarded optimism for where we are. This is a monumental day for us! Despite the fact that covid robbed me of hearing my child’s heartbeat firsthand, I still am beyond thankful for the results of today’s visit to the doctor.